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Monday, July 11, 2011

Dropping The Bomb

There are times in a Mom's life when you're having a horrid day and your kids push all your buttons and by God's grace you respond with self-control and kindness.

This is not a story about those times.

This is a story about the other times - the times when you're having a perfectly fine day and yet you still find yourself on the brink of sanity...and then you lose it. This is the story that you don't tell your spouse for fear they won't leave you alone with their children anymore. This is the story you don't tell your neighbor because she'll never ask you to babysit again.

This is a story about being an average mom on a below-average day. I'm sharing in the hopes that you'll give yourself a break the next time you lose it and maybe laugh instead of cry.

The Squirt and I had been tooling around the front yard for half an hour or so when I decided I should make the most of having only one kid awake and go for a run on the treadmill currently taking up space in our garage. (Another story for another day.)

I figured this was a brilliant plan since Squirt enjoys the garage. There are lots of fun things in there, boats, bikes and of course a mini-van to play in. So I lace up my shoes and head to the bathroom before starting my run. The Squirt is of course on my heels and I ask him point blank, "Hey bud, do you need to go potty too?"

"Nuh uh."

I accept his reply as the gospel truth and we head out to the garage. I'm literally stepping on to the machine when I hear, "I go tee tee Mom." I look down. Big puddle.

- Big sigh -

I step off, get a towel, say it's ok buddy, remove his shorts, remove his undies, sop up the puddle, throw everything in the washer, head inside, get new undies, grab new shorts, share a loving hug and an "accidents happen buddy!" and head back to the garage.

Ok. let's get on with this run Katie.

I set the timer for 30 minutes (a tad conscience chimes in) and start running. 5 minutes in I'm dripping head to toe. "Breathing" is more like sucking air in through a damp cloth. Running in a garage in the summer in Georgia is completely idiotic I realize. But the Squirt has figured out how to work the windshield wipers and is happily clicking headlights on and off - this is no time to be a quitter.

Every few minutes I have to answer a question like, "What dis Mommy?" or "Mommy run all done?" but I'm feeling like a badass as the workout winds down and I reach the 5 minutes remaining mark.

That's when I heard the unfortunate declaration. Nu uh...he did not just say that. Did he?

"What was that buddy?" Oh yes. Yup. He just said that.


"Oh buddy..." I jump off the treadmill. Irritated - only 5 more minutes! Hot - why is Georgia so friggin' hot? Dripping - who goes running inside an un-airconditioned garage Katie?!

I open the car door and hoist out my bow-legged toddler. He's doing the poop-in-my-undies waddle as I march him inside. We're holding hands, but there's zero sympathy in my heart. Why oh why hasn't this kid figured out pooping in the TOILET yet!?

He's reluctantly tottering down the hall and whining about the turd caught up in his Incredibles undies and I'm really very sweaty now. Also teed off. About my cut off work out, about having to change another pair of undies, about the incredibly slow way this kid is walking. Why didn't he just TELL ME he had to go back when we were in the bathroom!?

We reach the bathroom and I plop him down on the toilet. The potty training books tell me I'm supposed to get the turd into the toilet without pulling the undies all the way down somehow. He's whining now. A high-pitched, donkey-bray eeeeeaaaaaawwhhhhhh kind of whine. And squirming. The turd is too close to his hiney for comfort. I'm squatting in front of him, the backs of my thighs sliding off my sweat-slick calves when he decides he's had enough. He defiantly stands up from the potty, which in turn magically releases the turd from its Incredibles prison and sends it sliding to the floor via my forearm.

It lands. And as it does, I drop it.

The Bomb.

You know the one.

If you've never dropped it then we're probably not friends. Or you're my mom. In which case, you're the exception to the rules.

I drop The Bomb loudly and emphatically and turn with a spent sigh to the Squirt, now seated contentedly atop his turd-free hiney, who looks right back at me and shouts with a straight face, "F&@*!"

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